Two Mafia hitmen are walking through the forest at night when one of them says: “I have to admit, it’s pretty scary out here.”

The other replies, “Well, how do you think I feel then? I have to walk back alone.”

 

A MAGICIAN was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. 

The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain’s parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 

“Look, it’s not the same hat.

“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table. 

“Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician was furious but, as it was the captain’s parrot, he could do nothing. Then, one day, the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing.

Finally, after a week, the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”

 

THERE was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. 

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget. 

They went home and the lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. 

“You might want to write it down,” she said. 

The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” 

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. 

“Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.” 

Then the lady said she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. 

“Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said,

“No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” 

So then he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, more than 30 minutes. 

Finally, he comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

His wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?”

 

QUESTION. Why are frogs always so happy? 
ANSWER: Because they eat what ever bugs them!

 

I couldn’t figure out why the cricket ball kept getting larger.
Then it hit me!

 

DONALD Trump is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” 

This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, 

“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck!”